Help! Help! My genitals are shrinking!

Nik’s free condom is obviously causing him concern. Will it fail him by being too small, (or too big, although he would never admit to being worried about that)?

He passes me some research carried out thirty years ago. The full report is below, but in summary:

Thai men were not using condoms. Supplies imported from America were too large and had to be retained with a piece of string, supplies imported from Korea were too small. Some massage girls were employed to take measurements of their clients in various states of excitement. From this, a design for a Thai condom could be made. The study also discovered that Thai men had sex on average 2.2 times a week both inside and outside the home. Two times at the massage parlour and 0.2 times with the wife.

There is also reference to the genital shrinking syndrome epidemic in Thailand in 1976. A bit of research and I found this:

Koro, a psychogenic anxiety syndrome interfering with genital body image and sexual functioning, has hitherto been described as occurring mainly in isolated cases of South Chinese males. The present communication reports an epidemic outbreak in November 1976 in Northeastern Thailand where within a few days at least 200 patients, most of them Thai and two-thirds males, were treated at local hospitals. Main presenting symptoms were acute anxiety, in some cases leading to fainting, (subjective) shrinking of the penis and impotency in men, shrinking and/or itching of the external genitals and frigidity in women; further complaints included initial nausea and dizziness, abdominal pains, headaches, facial numbness. All patients recovered after brief symptomatic intervention. Popular opinion and news media echoed the patients’ paranoid projection of viewing the epidemic as caused by Vietnamese food and tobacco poisoning in a hideous assault against the sexual vitality and general health of the Thai people, in the context of a specific socio-cultural and politico-historical situation.

It’s a well known fact that genital shrinking epidemics occur every 32 years, so I suggest regular checks, and stay away from Vietnamese spring rolls.