My driving licence expired on my birthday on the 29th October. No immediate rush to renew, I thought, but then plans changed and suddenly we were due to embark on our Tak trip and it seemed sensible that I should have a valid licence for the journey.

So on the following Monday morning I presented myself at the licencing office with all required papers; or so I thought. One thing they need is proof of residence. This can be provided with a letter from immigration (which costs 200 baht and takes time to acquire) or a Tambien Baan, which is a little book showing that you own or are residing in a property. There is a yellow Tambien Baan for foreigners living in a house which they don’t own, and a blue Tambien Baan which a foreigner can have if he/she owns a condo. I have the latter, so presented that with a flourish. “No good”, said the lady at the door, “need letter from immigration”. I protested and was allowed to appeal to the boss in the main office. “No good”, said the boss, “need letter from immigration”.

I know better than to try and argue the point in such cases so it was the one hour round trip back into Jomtien to visit immigration where I presented the same Tambien Baan, which was deemed acceptable to produce the required letter. There is no logic in this, but whoever said logic was normal when dealing with government departments…?

So, five hours after leaving the licensing office, I was back again with my immigration letter and the lady at the door was pleased to tell me that all my documents were now in order, and even more pleased to tell me that I was too late to apply for my licence and would have to return the following morning. I smiled, although inside I was thinking “Uzi”.

So much for our plan to leave for Tak at 0800 on Tuesday morning; instead I was queuing up to be the first in line for the licence queue. And I was, thanks to the lady at the door who recognised me and gave me queue ticket number one; much to the chagrin of another foreigner who protested “I was here first”. I responded with “no you weren’t, I was here yesterday”. I thought of adding “motherfucker”, but he was a big lad.

So, up the stairs to the main office and I am pleased to offer the definitive guide to renewing your licence in Thailand:

1. You wait for your number to be called and then present your papers to a clerk for checking. You need a letter from immigration (see above) and copies of your passport pages (photo page, visa page and latest arrival stamp page). You don’t need photos or a medical report. You do need patience.

2. It is now 0832 (if you are first in the queue) and the clerk tells you to go and have a cup of coffee and come back at 1000 for “the tests”. If you are a complaining motherfucker, you take her advice and come back at 1000 to discover the tests actually started at 0900. If you are a wise gentleman with huge genitals and a good book, you sit and wait and at 0900 you are called through to another area for “the tests”.

3. Test number one involves a piece of card covered in circles, coloured red, yellow or green. A young lady points at a colour and you identify it. This is easy unless you are colour blind, or are a smart ass and shout out things like “aquamarine with a hint of plum”.

4. Test number two requires you to stick your nose in a metal slot and identify coloured lights that flash in your peripheral vision. If you are number one in the queue, it is fun to snort loudly and make as if you are wiping snot from the metal slot. This encourages those who come after you. Again, call out the correct colour and don’t shout stuff like “I feel a disco coming on, where are the Village People?!”

5. On to test number three and we are going to play at driving a car. There is an accelerator which you press while a green light glows. Then the light turns red and you stamp on the brake and your reaction time is measured. At the point the light goes red it is fun to cover your eyes and scream “we’re all going to die!”, although this may not help with passing the test.

6. The last test is the trickiest. There are two vertical bars in a box. Using a controller you have to bring one bar forward so it is parallel with the other. Not sure what this is testing, but it is quite tricky and you only get three goes before hearing the fateful words “come back and try again tomorrow”.

7. With my highly advanced driving skills (cough) I easily passed all the tests and it was 0930. Almost over I thought, but no. If you are getting your first licence in Thailand then indeed you are nearly finished. But if you are renewing your licence you need to do “the training”. For an hour. Bugger.

“The training” for Thais is to watch a crap movie about road safety, dressed up to look like a soap opera so people don’t fall asleep. For foreigners, your task is to study a dog-eared book of road signs for one hour. This task takes ten minutes if you take it slow, then you spend another ten minutes pretending to read a random page in detail, and then you give up and play a game on your iPhone. At least that is what I did and nobody seemed to care.

Finally, “the training” is deemed complete and you are called to a desk to pay around 600 baht for your licence. Then you wait a few minutes to be called to another desk where you are photographed and your licence is produced. And at 1100 on a Tuesday morning, I walked out of the licensing office clutching a new five year licence. Actually, a five year and 361 day licence because they start the five years from your next birthday.

So there is my final tip, wait until after your licence has expired before renewing, you get an extra year before having to suffer “the tests” and “the training” again.