Major emergencies are a regular occurrence in our house. They are announced by she who must be obeyed at maximum volume and always include instructions for my immediate attendance.
“OH MY GOD!!! COME HERE!!!”
“What now?” (resigned voice having been dragged away from some crucial gaming).
“THE LIGHT BULB IN THE BATHROOM HAS FAILED!! FIX IT! QUICK!”
So my heart rate did not increase significantly with last week’s massive scare.
“OH MY GOD!!! THERE’S A DRAGON IN THE HOUSE!! COME HERE!!
I attended forthwith to discover it was not a dragon but a lizard, and it wasn’t in the house it was in the corner of the garden. Fairly convinced it was not contemplating an armed assault on the kitchen, I was prepared to leave it where it was; but my highly activated wife wanted action.
“I will get a man to come and take it away and put it somewhere safe”.
“He will take it away and put it in his stomach for lunch”.
She pondered for a while and agreed that might be true.
“So what do we do?”
“Nothing. It will wander off eventually”.
“But it might be hungry, poor thing”.
So my wife, kind soul that she is once she has calmed down, went off to the local market and bought a chicken. We left it on the path as an offering to the beast. I stuck a Gopro on timelapse to capture the consumption.
Eventually the lizard came out of the
undergrowth immaculately trimmed borders and I took a photo; it was indeed a big bugger.
It then walked up to the chicken, walked over the chicken, and buggered off to the other side of the garden (GoPro shot).
She who must be obeyed rescued the slightly trampled fowl, washed it off and stuck in the cooking pot.
“What are you doing” I enquired, wondering what diseases lizards carried on their skin.
“Cooking the chicken. Don’t worry, I’m not going to eat it; I’ll give it to the village guards to eat with their somtam.
“OH MY GOD!!”